Welcome, Mr Lucifer. Come up.

Mind the carpet, if you could.

I’m sorry the security guard had to ask you to step outside:

but no smoking is allowed on premises

and brimstone is prescribed

under Health and Safety legislation.

I see you have not been able to supply

either a clean resume, or evidence of actively seeking work.

A pile of ashes doesn’t make the cut.

I don’t make the rules – and it would make things a lot quicker

if you could prepare your job seeking resources

prior to these meetings. Yes, it is time consuming –

you don’t know the meaning of eternity, believe me.

You may well have led a war in heaven,

but in the current market, employers are looking for people skills.

I note a lack of IT literacy, and the failure

to provide references from a previous employer

is a problem. I understand you were cast into outer darkness,

which may explain the gaps in your employment history.

Slumping in your chair is not advised:

any positions in despair are already taken

by the Noonday Demon.

With the new incentive process,

we had to cut a certain jobseeker’s allowance by 50%.

I can’t name names, to maintain client confidentiality,

but I suspect you know the individual.

Mr Abaddon? (You said it, not me.)

Sloth is no longer acceptable under new directives

from the Minister. It may be a revelation to you, Mr Lucifer:

but times have changed.

I recommend taking up a retraining opportunity.

There are openings for those prepared to upskill,

human resources and marketing

are two growth areas which may appeal.

With your experience in middle management,

and a renewed focus, the future is brighter than you may think.

We look forward to some good news,

and if you could,

please mind the carpet on the way back down.