Welcome, Mr Lucifer. Come up.
Mind the carpet, if you could.
I’m sorry the security guard had to ask you to step outside:
but no smoking is allowed on premises
and brimstone is prescribed
under Health and Safety legislation.
I see you have not been able to supply
either a clean resume, or evidence of actively seeking work.
A pile of ashes doesn’t make the cut.
I don’t make the rules – and it would make things a lot quicker
if you could prepare your job seeking resources
prior to these meetings. Yes, it is time consuming –
you don’t know the meaning of eternity, believe me.
You may well have led a war in heaven,
but in the current market, employers are looking for people skills.
I note a lack of IT literacy, and the failure
to provide references from a previous employer
is a problem. I understand you were cast into outer darkness,
which may explain the gaps in your employment history.
Slumping in your chair is not advised:
any positions in despair are already taken
by the Noonday Demon.
With the new incentive process,
we had to cut a certain jobseeker’s allowance by 50%.
I can’t name names, to maintain client confidentiality,
but I suspect you know the individual.
Mr Abaddon? (You said it, not me.)
Sloth is no longer acceptable under new directives
from the Minister. It may be a revelation to you, Mr Lucifer:
but times have changed.
I recommend taking up a retraining opportunity.
There are openings for those prepared to upskill,
human resources and marketing
are two growth areas which may appeal.
With your experience in middle management,
and a renewed focus, the future is brighter than you may think.
We look forward to some good news,
and if you could,
please mind the carpet on the way back down.
Victor Billot 