Welcome, Mr Lucifer. Come up.
Mind the carpet, if you could.
I’m sorry the security guard had to ask you to step outside:
but no smoking is allowed on premises
and brimstone is prescribed
under Health and Safety legislation.
I see you have not been able to supply
either a clean resume, or evidence of actively seeking work.
A pile of ashes doesn’t make the cut.
I don’t make the rules – and it would make things a lot quicker
if you could prepare your job seeking resources
prior to these meetings. Yes, it is time consuming –
you don’t know the meaning of eternity, believe me.
You may well have led a war in heaven,
but in the current market, employers are looking for people skills.
I note a lack of IT literacy, and the failure
to provide references from a previous employer
is a problem. I understand you were cast into outer darkness,
which may explain the gaps in your employment history.
Slumping in your chair is not advised:
any positions in despair are already taken
by the Noonday Demon.
With the new incentive process,
we had to cut a certain jobseeker’s allowance by 50%.
I can’t name names, to maintain client confidentiality,
but I suspect you know the individual.
Mr Abaddon? (You said it, not me.)
Sloth is no longer acceptable under new directives
from the Minister. It may be a revelation to you, Mr Lucifer:
but times have changed.
I recommend taking up a retraining opportunity.
There are openings for those prepared to upskill,
human resources and marketing
are two growth areas which may appeal.
With your experience in middle management,
and a renewed focus, the future is brighter than you may think.
We look forward to some good news,
and if you could,
please mind the carpet on the way back down.